Northumberland Nightmare

Apparently there are 3 different names for mud in the local dialect used in Cornwall. There are 4 in Norfolk and 6 in Lincolnshire, but In Northumberland there are 16. Beaten only by Ireland where there are apparently 18. Well today on our ride in Northumberland we learnt the meaning of every one of those 16 names.

Things started promisingly, with Julie & Willie's kitchen serving heart warming cups of tea and coffee to the assembled Muddy Bums. Joining Willie & Julie were Gavin D, Ian A, Izzy, Arthur, Tom, Mark (with Ian S meeting us later). The route started at W&J's front door, where we had the benefit of a nice gravelly area to spin our wheels effortlessly as we set off. But once the first corner was turned, the surface under our tyres started to soften, and the mud thereon started to find our tyres really very attractive indeed. Add in a bit of an upward gradient plus the odd tractor rut, horse hoof print, interspersed with a selection of drainage ditchs, a few deep puddles and an occassional patch of old ice - and you have the makings of a "hard ride". Thankfully though there was an early appearance from a blue sky and far distant vistas of central Northumberland's peerless landscapes. This kept all of the riders sufficently motivated to mostly smile during the hard work of trying to make forward progress.

The route traversed a series of Bridles, generally trending northwards and upwards from Throphill, through the beautiful hamlet of Witton Shields and up onto the escarpment of Stanton House. Here we descended quickly down a tarmac lane : - ( and then up again through Doe Hill and across the leg sapping fields to Coal House. There we met up with Ian S who had been footballing this morning. His cheery and cheeky smile was revitalising - as was the next few miles past Nunnykirk on thankfully well surfaced and well drained tracks beside the River Font.

Lunch was taken nestled on a dry spot on top of the disused (Scots Gap to Rothbury) railway line. From here the line is followed (on some particularly boggy sections) to the woods of Broomfield Fell where the trail picks up some nice tracks. Hill End, Whitridge and Southwitton past in a blur of tarmac clad farm tracks where speeds unknown today were encoutered. But then the claggy, clarty, clumpy, gluppy, gungey surfaces returned with a vengence. This section saw our lightweight, expensive, full suss mountain bikes transformed into lumps of mud, with chains and gears complaining bitterly at being entombed in clay. And the weight of each bike multipled several times as the unwelcome muddy passengers clung persistently to frames, tyres, footwear and faces. On eventually reaching the next piece of tarmac, a hasty vote was taken as to whether "enough was enough" and the group returned to Throphill on road.

Arriving at W&J's - the jet wash was deployed and much satisfaction was taken from dismissing the muddy baggage from each bike. Whilst this was happening Julie and Izzy were heating up a big pan of Izzy's secret Shetland Broth. This culinary creation of well hung salty sheep, neeps, tatties and lashings of black pepper wound together with an intoxicating essence of Peat - would warm the cockles of the coldest heart. Everyone sank into paroxicims of blissful wonderment at this feast - and when Julie's home made chocolate cake put in an appearance - life was truly complete. Nightmare had indeed finally turned into dream.

So after an evening and early morning of unbridled valentine's day passion - and a day of bridled mud and guts - the happy brothy ending was eventually secured. Many thanks to W&J for hosting, navigating and encouraging all who took part, and to Izzy & Julie for revitalising us all. Mark

THE MUDDY BUMS  (aka "the Clarty Ars#ses")

MOUNTAIN BIKING IN NORTHUMBERLAND AND BEYOND

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